I’ve been flat for so long, burdened by so many things. The work in Uganda, and life in general has been pretty heavy. I’ve felt disconnected from myself, sinking, wondering what in the hell I did, what I’m doing in this place. Wondering why I left everything for .. this.

A couple weeks ago, I all but gave up on the only project that had been working, the training center. I was sick of being cheated, lied to, and robbed, but I recognized that a fatal flaw of the enter was that it wasn’t ever supposed to be a business. I knew I had to run it for free. So I made a pitch to the community, half-hoping that you would pat me on the head, say, “Nice, try, it’s cool if you give up”. The response was completely the opposite. Rapid7 ponied up $5k and the community, not to be outdone, raised over $6k, meaning the training center could operate for free for 14 months. No student would have to pay for computer training.

When I boarded the plane to begin an 8-conference tour of the US and Canada two weeks ago, I was still feeling disconnected from myself, adrift, and still scratching my head despite your miraculous intervention on behalf of the center. The plea for help on behalf of the center made me feel like I was throwing band-aids on a long string of failures. I was also dreading my Derbycon talk, and the con experience.. I wondered if I had anything to say. I hadn’t done much.

The Dell conferences came first, and after the first couple cons, I was feeling a bit better because I had to throw some tech demos together and improvise, relying on my years of pen testing, muscle memory and help from some good friends in the community.

I realized something during the Dell cons: I missed hacking. I missed hackers. I missed being a part of the community. On the eve of Derbycon, I sat with some friends (Rob, Matt, Bill) and I told them plainly, “I don’t know what to talk about tomorrow”. I was scheduled to speak on the main track along with legends (and friends) like Bruce Potter, Kevin Mitnick and H.D. Moore. I was terrified. What could I possibly say to hang with the likes of those guys. Coming off a long string of failures, I really had nothing to say. To make matters worse, I didn’t have anything to ask for. I had no charge to the community.

My friends nudged me and helped me talk through it. We realized together that I didn’t have to ask for anything, and I didn’t need to “prove” anything. The heart of the talk would be transparency. I would talk about my failures, and the community’s response to these failures. I would talk about how amazing the community is and thank the community for all they’ve done.

A frenzied eight hours later, I stepped onto the stage. I told my story. I told the HFC story, and highlighted all the times the community bailed me out, kicked this thing into gear. I said, as plainly as I could, “Thank You”.

And something magical happened at DerbyCon. I reconnected with a part of me that’s been missing. I am a hacker. I love technology, and for the past two and a half years, I’ve been out of touch not only with the tech, but the community of people I feel closest to. And this weekend, the community re-embraced me. Thank you.

It’s good to be back.