Doing good

The documentary team is here. It’s a blessing for HFC. Why does it freak me out so much?

“The documentary team is here”. That’s a rather loaded sentence for me. When Jeremy first approached me about the documentary, everything was speculation. He said a team might come if they could raise the money. He launched a kickstarter and the community stepped up, like it always does, and funded the team and the film. That’s when the reality set in that a team was coming to look at what we were doing and that’s when the fear and self-doubt settled in.

I’ve struggled with this my whole life but especially in the last few years, my confidence has given way to gnawing self-doubt, fear and loathing and I spend lots of time poking at a blasphemous unseen karmic scale, wondering if I’ve yet tipped the scales in favor of becoming a “good person”.

So when it became evident that the team was coming and the documentary would indeed happen, I freaked out. Unlike many of the organizations here, we are a support organization and its hard to find those shiny happy success stories that donors rightfully enjoy. After all, our successes are measured in years.

I told my board that this documetary would either make or break me and in the process make or break HFC.

After all, if no good had come of our time here, it was time to pack up and.. do what exactly? I had left everything behind to do this. I had walked away from not one but two dream jobs and watched as four years in Uganda stripped me of just about every marketable skill.

Needless to say, In the weeks leading up to their arrival I dwelt on the negative implications of the documentary and stressed out utterly and completely.

Now they’re here, poking and prodding into every imaginable aspect of my family’s life and HFC’s operations. Their lenses have seared holes in the back of our heads as we go about our lives. They’ve interviewed me for countless hours about dozens of topics. They’ve pushed into every nook and cranny of our operations and lives. It’s exhausting, and 18 hour days have become the norm.
My “normal” crazy schedule hasn’t let up because they’re here. It doesn’t seem to realize that there are other important things afoot.

But through the haze of exhaustion, I’ve noticed that something interesting is happening.

The crew is finding success stories. And some of the stories surprised even me.

It turns out we’re doing good things here. People SAY that all the time, but when fear and doubt creeps in its hard to see sometimes. I’m encouraged by the documentary team even though they’re tiring me out. :-)

In the days to come I’ll be sharing some of the stores we’re uncovering. I’m encouraged by them and I think you will be too.