Disclaimer: I suspect that this will be an unpopular post because it seems heavy-handed and I talk about God, and spiritual matters. I’m sorry if this offends you. This is a personal post, and since I don’t have a personal blog, I’m posting it here. Note that HFC is not religiously-affiliated, although I (Johnny) am a Christian.
I had a birthday recently. Yeah. It was an interesting time for me because I really faced it head-on. Normally, I do my best to avoid any mention of it because I didn’t want to be reminded that I had lost another year. But this year, for whatever reason, my reasoning was reversed. Next year, I want to celebrate a gained year on my birthday, not mourn another lost one. In short, it’s a new year, and I hope that this is the birth of a new man.
Looking back, I realize I’ve wasted a lot of years. In order to change that, I’m going to have to be very proactive, and that begins with having a plan, and to make sure I actually stick to it, I plan to go public with my plan. This is that.
First, I want to grow spiritually. I want to get to that place where I can stop playing “catch up” with God, and just walk with Him all the time. I want to stop asking for forgiveness and just go where He leads and do what He says. I want to be purposeful in this because when I am, amazing things happen and when I’m not, tragic things happen. I’m sorry God, I’ve strayed and I’m sorry I haven’t been purposeful sooner. I promise to do better and know you’ll help me.
Second, I want to be a better husband and a better father. I haven’t been a great husband or father for a long time for lots of reasons. Some of the reasons are horrible reasons, but some of them are actually good reasons: I’ve tried to be a “good provider” and “do good work in Uganda” and “leave a legacy”. On the surface these are good things, but they aren’t good things when they interfere with my relationship and my proper role as a husband and father. I’m sorry, Jen, Makenna, Trevor and Declan for screwing up so often and not being all I could be. I promise to do better, with God’s help.
Third, I haven’t done a great job with HFC. I’ve tried too hard to “do good” and “do the right things”. In the midst of this, it became a challenge to prove that HFC could be viable and to prove that it was a good idea to jump off the ladder and leave everything behind. I lost sight of things, and everything got complicated, but HFC was founded with a clear vision: sharing that feeling I felt the first time I came to Uganda and gave of myself. And at the heart of that was people. As a result, very few people have experienced what I experience and I want to change that. I want to find a way to get people involved. After all, it’s about helping people, and helping people help people. I’m sorry I lost track of the core of what HFC is about, and I promise to get back on track. I’ll begin by posting volunteer opportunities in Uganda and working on other domestic opportunities to allow interested volunteers to “get their hands dirty”.
That leads me to the HFC supporters and donors. In the midst of trying to make “this all work” I find myself working 15-hour days keeping all the plates spinning. I get so overwhelmed that days and weeks go by and I don’t even post to tell you what’s going on. I am so under water that I’ll miss emails from people who care, and I’ve even missed donors who gave of themselves (whether directly or through an event) and months and months will go by before I even realize they pitched in and then it’s just awkward to even say “thanks” without seeming unauthentic. I get angry and irritated when I donate something to a school or individual and I don’t hear anything back. That double standard is quite unacceptable. I’m sorry if I’ve made you feel slighted or if I’ve blown you off. It wasn’t on purpose, but it’s unacceptable either way. I’m deeply thankful for every single contribution, and I promise to do better to let you know that.
Last but certainly not least, there are people that I have hurt directly by being a poor reflection of Christ. All I can say is that I am deeply sorry. I never meant to hurt anyone, and I never meant to stray. I hope you can forgive me. I can’t promise that I’ll be perfect but I can promise to keep my eyes on God and live unselfishly and focused on what He wants for my life.
