That was it. That was all I was going to post. But for whatever reason, I’m typing. It’s a mistake. I can feel it already. I just know that I’ll regret this post. It will come across as whiny and pathetic, and I feel like too many of my posts are whiny and pathetic as it is. But I just can’t stop typing. Besides, this one is different somehow…
I feel all wadded up inside. The stress and gunk and bile is rising in my throat and I feel like I’m going to just pop.
It’s well after midnight and my family is asleep. I should be too, but I can’t sleep, or won’t sleep until I just talk to someone, and that someone, gentle reader is you.
The day started off on a pretty good note. I saw Jen and Jenny off at 7:00am as they left to open the cafe. I came back to my room and cracked open my Bible. I was just about to get some quality time in, and I fell asleep. That should have been a sign.
I crawled out of bed and decided to exercise. I got dressed and made my way to the garage. (Yes, we have a garage. We moved this weekend. That’s a missing blog post.) The weight machine was there, but too much junk was in the way from the move. An hour later, I had disassembled three ceiling fans that were blocking the path to the machine. I greeted Trevor and Declan who had woken up, summarily sent Trevor to work on his school work, and offered to let Declan help with the ceiling fans. He seemed excited about the concept, but wandered off anyhow. (Connect-with-child FAIL.) I finished the fans on my own and started exercising. It felt great.
Somewhere around the last set, I mentally committed to Body For Life (BFL), that weight loss and muscle building program that I went on like ten years ago. I was sick and tired of feeling like crap, and REALLY tired of people referring to me as “40” a full eight months in advance.
I heard laughing in the house and realized Trevor was goofing off with Declan. I leaned into him about how bad a listener he was and sent him back into the house to do his school work. I finished my last set and headed into the house when I hear Makenna and Trevor talking and goofing off upstairs. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I snapped and told them we were looking into boarding school. I was tired of them “abusing the freedom they have been given with homeschool”. That’s what I said.
Deep down inside, I think I was overwhelmed with the fact that I’ve failed to commit myself to helping them in their studies. My failure at accomplishing anything in this place combined with my failure as a father combined with my failure to properly run an organization or even properly answer emails combined with my failure to pay proper attention to my wife combined with my failure to follow a recently-decided 9-5 work schedule that would allow me to spend more time with my family combined with that fact that even my most sincere attempts to honestly build and love someone ultimately result in failure, hurt, tearing, breaking, pain and confusion made me just lose it. I summarily threatened to send them to boarding school which made any damage I might have caused in the past even worse. I projected my failure onto them, plain and simple.
Stinging from frustration and completely overwhelmed with emotions I can’t even get a grip on, I left their room and showered. After the shower, I dressed and called Declan and without a word to the other two kids, we left for The Keep.
My desire for some drastic change nudged me more in the direction of BFL and I ordered four egg whites and a slice of toast for breakfast. “Things will improve,” I reasoned, and I convinced myself that egg whites would have something to do with that.
Later in the afternoon, the power went off at The Keep again; the second time in as many days. Normally Mondays are our busiest days, but because of the power problem, we had practically zero customers yesterday, an event that sets us back financially for an entire month. But today was different. We were disconnected for non-payment despite the fact that we’ve paid all of our bills on time. We’ve never even received an electric bill because frankly the power company is completely incompetent. So we were disconnected for paying our bills. A unique concept. Over an hour of discussion and argument ensued, and three hours later our power was turned back on, halfway through the Monday Night Football game my kids were so excited about watching on TV(which is broadcasted on ESPN a day later in East Africa).
I was hoping to watch the game with the kids to try to reconnect with them, but decided to take a few moments to work on my wife’s “Honey-Do” list instead. The top of the list was to call the law firm representing the mortgage company that’s foreclosed on our house in Maryland. The foreclosure itself shines the light on another failure: keeping up with the mortgage company back in the US and making the proper phone calls and bank transfers needed to recover from our renter’s fist bounced check that sent us into a perpetual cycle of late fees. There were warning signs and looking back, I am an idiot for not addressing them. I was too busy “saving the world” to bother with something as droll as imminent foreclosure on our only financial asset in the world. Stupid. I even managed to alienate my parents in that deal.
So this lawyer thing required me to open the HFC ledger to double-check the support money we received for the month of October and then verify that it had been withdrawn from the PayPal account into the bank account in the US where we could somehow transfer it to the law firm / mortgage company. When I went to open the ledger, it hung my spreadsheet program (Numbers). No matter what I did, I couldn’t open the ledger. All the frantic Google searches revealed one thing: if one of your Numbers files gets corrupted, you’re finished. The only option is to recover from a backup. In the heat of trying to fix Jen’s computer, I managed to nuke my backup drive. “If I can’t even manage to keep track of our finances in a spreadsheet,” I thought, “I have no business trying to run an organization.” I decided I would be obligated to fire myself even before the 501(c)3 is granted and put myself and the org out of it’s misery. With all HFC’s financials hanging in the balance, I once again pulled away from my family and threw myself into another fire.
As if things couldn’t get any worse, the lawyer that’s handling our work permit texted me. He told me:
“Immigration says ur is only certificates yet there are ugandans with masters degrees in IT! … You may have to … ask Migereko 2 help…”
So a bunch of nice folks sent me honorary certificates to provide to immigration to show that I have some formal training and education. But the response is basically that it’s not enough. With Ugandans holding Master’s Degrees from Ugandan Universities already bopping around the country, Immigration can’t see the need for me to hang around in Uganda any more. I don’t have anything to offer. My reaction, quite honestly, was something like “screw this country”. If the (extremely corrupt) government is willing to screw over people that give up their lives to help it’s citizens, what’s the point of even trying? Let the “Ugandan Masters” fix the pathetic state of the country on their own. (And asking Migereko for help is out of the question. Remember, not too long ago we gutted half of the computer center he wanted us to build for him because the school wasn’t taking care of it properly. That certainly didn’t get our relationship off to a stellar start.)
It’s beginning to happen all too often, but once again I found myself asking why, exactly I felt the need to leave everything and drag my family to this God-forsaken place.
This time, no answer came.
I threw myself headlong into solving the ledger problem (which, I might remind you was NOT on my wife’s list) and that didn’t set well with her at all. It was a last straw for her, and she summarily packed up her stuff and walked home with Declan. I packed up my stuff into the truck and leaving Makenna and Trevor behind at The Keep to watch the game with their friends I set out to try to patch things up with my wife. Our half-family dinner was stilted, but civil enough. The rest of the evening was decent enough, I think partly because I showed that I recognized a problem and was at least willing to drop out of the race long enough to acknowledge her presence.
She went to bed, we parted on decent enough terms and I headed downstairs (yes, two story house now, after the move) to get to work. I was feeling OK. Not because anything had happened, just because of the promise that behind the cloudy skies, the blue sky awaited.
Then the bottom fell out on me after she went to bed.
I was convinced it was possible to pass through this stuff without hurting myself or the ones I love. Personal, spiritual, familial and organizational success always seemed like it was right around the corner, and if I just pushed harder, things would work out and I could score a win that would make everyone happy. It turns out, I was wrong. I’ve managed to make yet another mess of my life, and this time it’s not just me that’s paying the price. Even with the best intentions, I’ve hurt the ones closest to me and the result is devastating emptiness and loneliness. That’s as honest as I can say it.
And I’m left asking myself the painfully obvious question: “What’s the point of saving the world if it costs you the ones you love?”
This was not part of the deal. If it had been, I never would have signed up for this.
So what’s next? I wish I could tell you that I had some epiphany tonight, but I didn’t. I do know that the thousands in need will have to take a back seat for a while until our little team of six is restored, healthy and back in action. Fractured and separated, we’re useless. Together, though, God can make miracles happen in the midst of my mess.
Welcome to the club! Life does get better on the other side of really horrible times like this. FWIW, embracing failure, if that is what you feel this is, is empowering. At the end of the day, one finds one is still standing in spite of our worst scenario coming true. It really takes all the fear out of the mix.
Been there, done that. I learned a lot from my biggest failure. Best of all, I could get back at my revised plan the next day. It may sound trite, but its true, it doesn’t matter how many times you get knocked down, it only matters how many times you get back up.
Praying for you all, and bless you for all you are trying to do.
hey man, ive been (more or less) where you are. I believe in what you are trying to do, and understand how hard it is. There is at least one person stateside that supports you whether you stay and fight it out, or come back and do the best you can.
hang in there,
V.
perhaps the sign is that it is time to go. i think you have been on an amazing journey and doing amazing things for the world, but perhaps the road leads elsewhere for you and your family?
“What’s the point of saving the world if it costs you the ones you love?”
none. love your family. focus on that. you don’t have to save the world. save them. save yourself. it isn’t selfish, you can’t help anyone if you don’t have that foundation. shore up, regain strength, then see where the path goes from there.
Try to remember that you didn’t choose this path yourself, God chose to put you in it and called you to it. Your path wasn’t chosen by you, but was laid out for you (John 15:16).
Doing what you do is not easy, it is a difficult calling, probably the most difficult, but be mindful again that you chose to obey the path that was laid out for you. The Lord isn’t going to turn aside from you in your struggles and is not going to put you in a place and let you fail. Your weaknesses and failures represent those of humanity and are an overall part of your purpose (1 Cor 9:22).
When you become old and gray, looking back on your life, these struggles and challenges will seem trivial compared to the victory earned. You can proudly say that you followed the path that was laid out for you. I dare say your wife and kids will feel the same way.
You are doing great work over there and are an inspiration to a lot of people, your ministry extends far beyond Africa. Be mindful of your calling and purpose, remembering too that rest is a Biblical concept and applies to more than just physical rest.
Praying for you…
Dear Johnny,
I an 58 years old and have loved the Lord my whole life. It really does seem like the closer the victory the harder the fight. Sounds like you need to take care of the things that will take care of your family–do what you can in the natural, than be still and wait on God. If you have to come home to straighten out the mess, do it! It God is in your being in Uganda, no devil in hell can stop it–if you are willing to do your part.
God bless you in your challenges! Remember, God is ALL mighty!
C
You aren’t alone, it just feels like you are.
Brother, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. …Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial.
I don’t even know you man, but I wish we sit and have a beer. Tough times are magnified when you feel alone. You’re not.
Hope that you find what you are looking for. Remember the big-G upstairs works in mysterious ways.
Johnny,
What you have been doing over there is nothing short of miraculous, I read your blog as often as I can, I myself tried to get my school to give you a degree in CIS(it is all we have) but I am not sure what they are doing. That is certainly a rough patch. The best thing you can do it keep your family together and then continue to minister/teach these people that are in need. I hope to one day follow in your footsteps.
And this is the first in a very, very long time for me to sincerely say…..this but here goes:
God Bless!
I am so sorry that all this is going on, you and your family are fantastic people who really care! Uganda is extremely lucky to have you; Jinja is completely blessed! I totally agree with you about hard it is to make things happen and change for the better here and my wife and I ask ourselves what commitment we can make to stay and improve lives here after our adoption of Amulet is complete. We haven’t figured out an answer yet. Do remember your (collective family) impact here — it is huge. You have made community where it was not before — let’s get this community mobilized to help you guys out.
Johnny, consider Job in the OT. Even in the times when your world is collapsing and you see no light, bless God. Sometimes the reason isn’t forthcoming, but there is often a reason behind things.
Consider physical training, the body is healthiest when it is under pressure and working against resistance. Sometimes we just need to be stretched a bit to see who we’re really relying on – us or God.
I’m going through similar faith trials and I’m supposedly in a first-world country… you are loved by a great many people and there are many praying for you and your family. Keep the faith and do what you know God has called you to do.
When one door closes, another often opens… keep your head up and eyes open.
We, and the rest our your former monday morning compatriots, will continue to pray.
Johnny I’m so sorry that you are having to go through all this. I don’t have anything to offer other than I will be praying for you and asking others to do the same.
If another set of temporary hands would help you and your family get through this rough patch, I volunteer. I believe that the positive that you have set out to accomplish is attainable.
You are human and fallible, and your family is with you through this rough piece, and so will your friends (both real and virtual).
You ARE an inspiration to many of us!
Life throws those puches at you without warning, be strong. We cannot save the world, God has that figured out. Your relationship with your family is much more important than saving the world. God gave me cancer, and you Ughanda. I will fight cancer and beat it, you will do what you need to do to make it right. God does not make mistakes, and he sent you there for a purpose, even if the purpose is to return home. God bless you and your family, and God will show the way…Noah had to build a boat when it was not raining….hang in
You do what many will not, you heard the still small voice, and acted upon it.
My Brother in Christ, the work you are do is good, though sometimes difficult. Take the time to fix your relationships. Do not worry (Philippians 4:6-18).
I am praying for you, your family and the work you do.
Hi Johnny,
I heard about your from a friend in Kenya who is teaching a course called Ethical Ninja for hackers. He speaks of your with such fondness that I promised myself I’d have to come see you as soon as I come back to Uganda.
I am a Ugandan and a Christian!
It is sad that the first time I read your blog, i stumble upon your “worst day”. I am truly sorry for this and someone want to get involved and help. I don’t know how but I would like to hear how I can be of some help.
Please hang in there! He who called you is faithful and will do it. He is not a man that he should lie or a son of a man that He should change His mind.
Praying for you and hoping to meet you soon.
Hi johnny n family,
I love you guys. B still and know that HE is God. See you soon. Also check Isaiah 43:2. Lots of love.
praying for you.
God
Others
Self
Sometimes it is hard to see the direction you are going because YOU are going and not letting God lead. God has amazing ways to bring us back to where we belong, on our knees praying to him. I challenge you to get on your knees with your wife and children. Renew your focus on God, his plan, and desires. Submit to his will and be open to the direction he takes you.